Roger Clemens

I am sorry.

I wanted to come to this community as soon as I found out the news was going to be released to let my fans and respected colleagues know some tough circumstances I am dealing with now.

I, Tab Bamford, have cheated Bleacher Report by using performance-enhancing substances.

While the Bleacher Report community might not have any rules that lead to a suspension or loss of writing privileges, I thought it was the right thing to do to come clean now, before this becomes a bigger deal.

Former All-American athlete Roger Clemens now lives on Sirius—more so than radio hosts Howard Stern, Chris “Mad Dog” Russo, Martha Stewart, or any ESPN Radio personality.

Mr. Clemens, however, doesn’t even have a radio channel dedicated to his persona, much less host his own show. He physically lives on the star known as Sirius.*

After listening to the former Cy Young winner continue to deny any involvement with illegal performance enhancing drugs on the radio today, I’m convinced that Clemens is no longer living on this planet.

It's not even because Manny Ramirez wears Los Angeles Dodger blue (OK, that's part of it).

In news I'm sure you'll hear from my fingers first, Ramirez has tested positive for human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG). 

Although his agent, that bastion of credibility and integrity Scott Boras, tried at first to spin it away with a story about a prescribed medication for a personal ailment, I'm beginning to think that might not be the case.

Right off the bat, hCG is a female fertility drug.

I was in a Midtown Manhattan Barnes and Noble yesterday when I saw some guy start to read my Clemens book. I watched him flip through the pages, sneeze on the cover, glance through the pictures, show it to his wife.

Then, he left without making the purchase.

I suppose I could have awkwarded him to death—”I wrote that, you know,” or “I just read that book and it’s truly amazing!”—but that would have been historically pathetic.

So, at (relatively) long last, The Rocket That Fell To Earth finally hits stores on Tuesday. This is my fourth book, and in many ways it was the most challenging.

My first book, The Bad Guys Won! was tough because I was a rookie, and relatively clueless.