Disclaimer:This article is more mean't for humor with predictions thrown in, and yes the Mets will probably get called choke artists somewhere in the article. Sorry Metropolitan-Fans, but don't let a two year old swallow an orange or he, like the Mets, will choke.
Second verse, same as the first, only the Senior Circuit gets left to face my odd sense of humor.
Atlanta Braves
Brian McCann starts to wonder what his trade value is right about the time the Braves realize the Nationals happen to be ahead of them in the standings. When he hears no team has inquired about his services, he posts a sign on his locker that says "Works well with Cox!" This leads to several movie offers from Courtney Cox Arquette's agent as well as the gay porn industry.
Pittsburgh Pirates
In the hopes that Jose Tabata has learned from his wife what it takes to be good at stealing things, Pirates GM Neal Huntington calls the prospect up. Noticing fewer and fewer people at the games, Tabata's wife is discovered in the laundry room distributing babies for money. Huntington allows it to keep happening, as it's the one way the Pirates are pulling a profit. Tabata becomes a top player in Pittsburgh, and as always the Pirates trade him for prospects.
The sad line, Tabata's wife steals more babies than he does bases, and she gets signed to a lucrative deal
Washington Nationals
Stephen Strausberg gets picked first overall in the Amateur Draft and immediately gives hope to a club who features weaker pitching than the little league team I coach.
Florida Marlins
In defiance of Fredi Gonzalez's ban on long hair, Hanley Ramirez elects to let his hair grow to his shoulder. Gonzalez informs Han-Ram in a meeting that "He likes long haired boys, but there's a strict no-dating policy in the club house." Minutes later Hanley is shown bald, and says he's heading to therapy.
New York Mets
In order to better equip the Mets for the season, Omar Minaya joins his wife's breast feeding class, where he is taught to "Keep your baby upright, as to prevent choking". Upon hearing the news that Minaya went to a breast feeding class, David Wright shows up, upon seeing David Wright 30 women file paternity suits against him. Wright, having to be in court for the DNA tests misses the stretch run.
Later we find out that the class is run by none other than Brett Myer's wife. Without Wright, the Phillies crush the Mets and take the division.
Philadelphia Phillies
Speaking of Brett Myers, wow, that's funny enough, someone actually talking about Brett Myers. There's no way to joke with defending World Series champs in this one.
Chicago Cubs
The Cubs have found their secret weapon when it comes to winning the World Series. In a little known strand of of bacteria found to grow on the ivy at Wrigley Field, having discovered it, they learn to hit balls just hard enough to have opposing players run into the ivy. With 80 percent of the outfielders in the NL predisposed of, the Cubs advance to the World Series, and win, thus completing their plan of global domination.
After discovering the bacteria, police arrest Jim Hendry, thus clearing the Cubs of not only the bacteria, but the cancer as well.
Cincinnati Reds
Jay Bruce and Joey Votto go on a quest for 40 homers a piece, they make it, but few notice as Dusty Baker realizes that he could be coaching the Cubs to the World Series, but instead he left to babysit the Reds.
Pete Rose gets his ban lifted and becomes eligible for the Hall Of Fame, that makes up for the string of last place.
Milwaukee Brewers
It's a good thing AA exists, because once Ryan Braun realizes he plays for the hapless Brewers, he's going to be thrust into alcoholism. "Hello my name is Ryan, and I'm a Brewer." "You mean Brewers' fan?" "Nope, an actual Brewer"
Good thing you thought twice about that contract extension.
St. Louis Cardinals
Cardinals fans, like Christians will rest their hopes in a Jewish Carpenter. Okay, okay, Chris isn't Jewish per-say, but his grandparents are, and he is a Carpenter. 17 wins for this, C.C. is more than the one that the Yankees paid for by the pound.
Houston Astros
Cecil Cooper finds himself on the unemployment line after the aging Astros are forced to the brink of excitement in a 15 inning game with St. Louis. Getting his "elder statesmen" riled up, results in 6 Astros starters being taken to a local hospital after suffering heart-attacks once they realize they actually won the game.
San Diego Padres
After discussing various options, the Padres elect to keep Jake Peavy. Peavy gets angered, and starts berating ownership, wearing massive diamond ear rings, and calling his catcher various names. Wondering how he got this attitude, all signs point to him being at a football game in August where the Chargers played the Bills, and they immediately go to his cell phone and find Terrell Owens' number.
San Francisco Giants
Fans all eager to see how Pablo Sandoval does are sadly disappointed to find out that he's not the next Will Clark, only the next over-rated Latin American player. Travis Ishikawa however, runs away with the NL's Rookie Of the Year Award.
Barry stays true to his name and needs to be "Bond"ed out of jail again.
Tim Lincecum's fire brings Randy Johnson back for one more run, and the Big Unit hits 300 Ks in the Swan Song of one of the league's grittiest pitchers.
Los Angeles Dodgers
Manny goes into Manny mode, he becomes a pain in everyone's backside. This includes opposing pitchers. Manny hits 48 bombs and drops 120 RBI.
Arizona Diamondbacks
The youth movement continues when for the first time in recent memory a brother is on each side, Justin Upton gives each side of the All-Star game an Upton. His homer in the 8th inning gives the NL a win and home field for the World Series.
Brandon Webb adds another Cy Young to his mantle, and Dan Haren and Mark Reynolds find themselves exploring adopting their own little bundle of joy.
Colorado Rockies
Umbaldo Jimenez does something, I'm not sure what, but since it's the Rockies, I won't notice.
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