Watching highlights of new Chicago Cub centerfielder Marlon Byrd running the bases makes me wonder if the Cubs are trying out for “The Biggest Loser.”
If you have ever had your girlfriend ask you, “Honey, does my butt look big in these jeans,” you know where I’m coming from. We all know what the politically correct answer is, but boy does Marlon Byrd look big in his baseball pants.
Coming after the trade for the overweight, underperforming Carlos Silva from the Mariners, I’m wondering if Jim Hendry is putting a club together to compete in a team challenge on the spring edition of the show.
Now some people might take my biggest loser connotation the wrong way and relate it to the Cubs historic 102-year slump. While I suppose that thought will cross people’s minds, that was in no way my intention.
I would never question the moves the Cubs make, and I fully back Jim Hendry in his support of the economy by doling out money to players so they can in turn put it back into the system to spur growth. Please don’t take my double entendre to mean I’m talking about the size of some of the Cub players.
Giving a three-year contract to Byrd when he didn’t have many other suitors and no one else would have offered him more than two just relates to Jim Hendry’s generosity and his spirit of giving in the hope of getting us out of this wreck of the last couple of years that we have all suffered through.
There I go again saying something and casting doubt on what I really mean.
It’s just that he gave Milton Bradley a three-year contract at far more money than anyone else offered at the time. This man keeps on giving.
I won’t even mention the eight-year $136 million he gave to our handicapped leftfielder Alfonso Soriano.
Now before I get calls from organizations calling me out for defaming the handicapped by considering Soriano one of them, please watch tape of him playing left field and tell me he’s not handicapped.
I’m sorry I’m losing my train of thought because this article is not to criticize Jim Hendry, but to compliment the Cubs on trying out for the TV show.
Geovany Soto will certainly be part of the team, especially if he continues on his offseason workout regime of smoking the wacky weed. They say it gives you the munchies and makes you eat a lot; not that I would know anything about that.
And then there is Carlos Zambrano who has supposedly already lost 15 or 20 pounds in anticipation of the show since the season ended. I don’t know if that’s a good idea or not because I thought you’re supposed to start losing once the season started. Oops I’m sorry, I meant the show.
By the way, please don’t tell Carlos I wrote this because I have seen what he can do when provoked. If you don’t believe me, just ask Michael Barrett.
Maybe I’ll use a pseudonym for the byline on this article just in case one of you snitches on me.
Of course managing our team is the Cubs fearless leader Lou Piniella, though I have heard rumors that he has lost some poundage too this offseason. Don’t any of them know when the starting date is?
But at least the director of the show for the Cubs Jim Hendry hasn’t had that problem. He’s coming into the program in full-form if you know what I mean, and is ready to drop some dead weight, and no, I’m not talking about Milton Bradley.
Didn’t you read earlier that they already traded him?
I haven’t heard the odds yet, but I’m thinking the Cubs have to be the overwhelming favorite to win “The Biggest Loser.”
Do you have to ask me why?
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