As a Chicago Cubs fan, there isn't much to be hopeful for after watching the North Siders drop their season opener, their home opener, and their opening series of the season all to the lowly Pittsburgh Pirates.
If you're anything like me, you were watching the Cubs and pondering a few critical questions that rose in your mind. For instance, what nationality is Darwin Barney? Is he the kind of guy who fills in the Asian/Pacific Islander bubble during standardized testing questionnaires? I couldn't even make a guess as to what is actual ethnicity is, but regardless, the question remains, why the hell is he in the game?
After I got over this brief episode of Barney Darwinism, not to be confused with the laissez-faire capitalism movement that helped spawn Social Darwinism, I came to the conclusion that the Cubs and White Sox have a plethora of toothpick-framed youngsters filling out their lineup cards.
Since my optimism level with the 2011 Cubs is already pretty low, I figured it might be necessary to draw on the humor card early on to help keep Cub nation's collective sanity in check. So, this is me channeling my inner Bon Iver (shout out Matt DeMars) and giving some "Skinny Love" where credit is due.
Darwin Barney- 5'10'', 179 lbs. I know second baseman aren't typically built like The Big Show, but our little purple dinosaur manning the right side of our double-play combo is small even amongst the fraternity of National League second baseman.
Granted, he's 5'10", Asian (I think), and rocks meticulously tousled hair underneath his lid, so you have to give him the nod as the league's most unassuming Major Leaguer. Still, if he continues to get starts for the Cubs and goes on to never reach the outfield with a batted baseball until mid-July, we'll all know why.
Starlin Castro- 6'1'', 187 lbs. Honestly, I think 187 is a stretch for Starlin, who on opening day was dubbed as the youngest player in the bigs. He recently turned 21, so he'll be looking to add some beer weight and play third base on a park district softball league team in no time.
All joking aside though, the Cubs are going to rely on their Castro more so than Cuba does theirs, because as the leadoff man he'll be responsible for taking pitches, working counts, and slapping singles all while trying to get his GED online from learn4good.com.
Andrew Cashner- 6'7'', 200 lbs. If you can't recall any people who fit the Andrew Cashner body frame, do this: think of all the members you can on your high school's cross country team, then think of who was the tallest and looked the skinniest in those Asics high rise shorts. There you have it. Over 6'5' and under two bills is borderline malnourishment.
If Cashner weren't straight out of a Celtic 3-piece band, he would be being sponsored for a $1 a day on one of those adopt-a-child commercials that pull at your heartstrings like a puppeteer.
Although he hasn't made his first official start in 2011 just yet, I caught a glimpse of Cash during the national anthem today and was convinced that I had seen him chain-smoking Parliaments outside Mystic Celt on Southport in olive green corduroys with a 29-inch waistline. Let's hope he can deal.
Alexei Ramirez- 6'2'', 175 lbs. The Cuban Missile is about as thick as thistle, and even that might be a tad generous. Although he's still very young, he looks as though he's been eating nothing but rationed cornmeal since he was old enough to chew.
Somehow, someway, he's been able to muster some serious pop in his bat and is also notorious for having a cannon of an arm from the deep hole (unintentional correlation with the whole Cuban Missile thing). I've always liked Alexei, but as Frank Costello says to a young Billy Costigan in The Departed, "EAT SOMETHING!"
Omar Vizquel- 5'9'', 155 lbs. The veteran leader of the "Thin Mitts" is our favorite 43-year old infielder, Omar Enrique Vizquel. As Jack "the Body" Groot so eloquently laid out in a guest blog late last season, Omar looks like he should be pushing a mop and bucket in a gray onesie with a sewn on patch that reads "Omar" above his left breast at your local high school.
Instead, he has done nothing but make every play at every position he has been asked to play. Tipping the scales at 155 lbs, Omar would probably be a weight-class below most pregnant women, and for succeeding at that stature, I have nothing but respect for him.
There you have it. In a time period where skinny jeans are in style, and Calista Flockhart, Mischa Barton and Nicole Richie have all managed to receive a substantial amount of fame, I guess "thin is in." Let the big dogs eat.
As for Pick of the Day, Brittney Griner let the Pulse Man down and reassured us all that you can never trust a woman over 6'6''. For tomorrow night's national title game, the Pulse Man likes the largest lead of the game to be UNDER 13.5, which I agree is a ludicrous line.
Pick of the Day: Butler vs. UConn, largest lead of the game-13.5- UNDER
Record:(62-50-0)
Lastly, upon visiting some college friends this weekend in LaCrosse, Wisconsin, we managed to create the inaugural Chicago Sports Noise podcast. As soon as we figure out how to post it, you'll be able to hear it. God bless whoever sits through it.
Now I'm done. Rack me
Frost
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