For those of you too young to remember (d-bags), Carnac the Magnificent was a character played by the late, great Johnny Carson on the old “Tonight Show”, back before Jay Leno ruined the program. (Sorry, I’m with Coco.)
Carnac was a psychic that held envelopes to his head and would give the answer to a question written on a piece of paper sealed in the envelope. He would then open the envelope and read the question. The also late, not-as-great, Ed McMahon was Carson’s sidekick throughout the skits. It was much funnier than it sounds…check it out on youtube if you’re still lost. David Letterman has also done the schtick in the past.
Anyways, in later years, a guy who used to write on the net named Chris Hyatte would rip off the bit and I always got a laugh out of it. And since the only original bone in my body is neglected and unwanted by any female I come into contact with, I’m going to rip off everyone in my attempt at applying Carnac to the Detroit Tigers.
I give you “Rogo-nac, The Tremendous." Brace yourself.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for a visit from a great stranger from the East. It is the all-seeing, all-knowing, sage, soothsayer, the man who taught Don Kelly how to hit…I give you Rogo-nac, The Tremendous!
/Rogo-nac enters and trips on the stage.
Are you okay, Great One?
Fine, you twit. Let’s get going with this.
Yes, sir. I hold in my hand a pile of envelopes. A child of four can see that they are hermetically sealed and have been kept hidden deep in Lloyd McClendon’s scouting reports of opposing pitchers, where no one would possibly look for or find them. We now ask you, great Rogo-nac, to use your divine powers to give the answer before opening the envelope and reading the question. Are you ready?
Indeed.
Hermetically sealed…
Yup.
In Lloyd McClendon’s scouting reports…
If such things exist. Give me the first envelope.
Ladies and gentlemen, the first envelope!
Rogo-nac must have complete silence.
Most times, Rogo-nac gets nothing but complete silence.
May you come home drunk to Miguel Cabrera’s wife.
Ha, ha, ha, ho!
/puts envelope to forehead
Made in Taiwan.
Made…in Taiwan, okay.
/rip…poof
Who did Fu-Te Ni lose his virginity to?
HO, HO, HO, a maid in Taiwan! Brilliant!
/puts envelope to forehead
An ugly orangutan.
/rip…poof
What do you get if you cross Gerald Laird with an orangutan?
Heh, heh…not a great effort, mighty one.
May a fellow blogger want to set you up on a blind date with her friend.
/puts envelope to forehead
Brandon Lyon
Brandon…Lyon. Yes, sir.
/rip…poof
What was Inge doing when he blamed his knees for his production dropping in the second half?
HO, HO…that lying little bastard can’t hit, can he, Great One?
May your general manager commit over $30 million to three washed up starters.
/puts envelope to forehead
Nate Robertson, a slider, and Kevin Youkilis.
/rip…poof
What is filthy rich, Bondo’s pitch, and Porcello’s bitch?
HA, HA, HA…YES! So witty!
/puts envelope to head
Johnny Damon’s contract and Dontrelle Willis’ welcome.
/rip…poof
What is overpaid and what is overstayed?
Heh, heh…preach on, evil one.
May you attend a basketball game with Gerald Laird’s grandfather.
Ho, ho…that perverted, old fart.
May you be stuck in an elevator with Rod Allen. Next envelope, please.
/puts envelope to head
Jacob Turner, Randy Smith, and Fu-Te Ni.
Turner, Smith, and Ni…
/rip…poof
Name a hope, a dope, and a slope.
Oooooooh…resorting to racism again, are we? You’re better than that, sir!
May Dane Sardinha meet your girlfriend while you are at work.
May your home city be not cosmopolitan enough for an ex-stripper.
May your personal life be ruined by blowing a .09.
Ho, ho, nice trifecta there, oh mighty one. Your next one.
/puts envelope to head
Sweet and sour shrimp.
/rip…poof
What do you call a moody Will Rhymes?
Har, har…he is tiny and untalented, Great Rogo-nac. Scrappy, he is!
May you discover your closet full of Dombrowski’s sweaters.
/puts envelope to head
Section 204 at US Cellular Field.
Ooh…
/rip…poof
What is 40 feet long, has 10 teeth, and smells like dog piss?
HO, HO, HO! Filthy Sox fans, yes, sir. Good one.
/puts envelope to head
Buzzsaw Craig Monroe.
Buzzsaw…Craig Monroe?
/rip…poof
Who did Buzz see working the grill at McDonalds the other day?
HEYOOO…low blow, my friend. Poor Craig…
May Joel Zumaya show up to your keg party.
/puts envelope to head
Jim Leyland’s lungs.
/rip…poof
What were the only black things not traded or released from the Tigers in the
offseason?
Yikes! Ho, ho…maybe too far, Rogo-nac.
May your team count on Aubrey Huff to ignite the offense.
Ugh…
May you be told that you resemble Bobby Seay or Jason Kubel.
/puts envelope to head
Justin Credible
/rip…poof
What does Rick Knapp say if JV makes it through six innings at under a hundred pitches?
Ooh…I think you’re beginning to lose steam, sir. We should finish up.
May your number one fan call himself “schwangfoo”.
/puts envelope to head
Magglio Ordonez, Avila’s glove, and Samuelsen’s blog.
Uh oh…
/rip…poof
What is looking fit, a catcher’s mitt, and a pile of sh-t.
YOWZA! Ho, ho, ho…genius!
May your posts be heavily edited by The Bleacher Report.
/puts envelope to head
Back, crack, and sack.
/rip…poof
What are problems for Carlos Guillen, Josh Hamilton, and Nate Robertson?
Ho, ho…poor Nate and his groin. Can’t you leave him alone?
Shut up. May you be forced to teach Bondo a third pitch.
/puts envelope to head
Ozzieball.
Haha…Ozzieball.
/rip…poof
Who do I despise and where do I want to kick him?
Ho, ho…kick Ozzie Guillen in the nuts, oh awesome one.
/puts envelope to head
Ernie Harwell, Bondo in the 1st, and Jen from Old English D.
Bracing myself, sir…
/rip…poof
Name the all-time best, a frustrating test, and an annoying pest.
HEYOOOO, HO, HO! YES! You are the greatest, Rogo-nac!
May your manager leave the closer in for a fourth inning of relief.
Ouch. Game 163 still hurts, sir.
May you get stuck teaching spoiled brats in Connecticut.
Heh, heh, poor Blake. Oh, Great One, I hold in my hands the last envelope!
(audience roars)
Finally!
May Lloyd McClendon try to teach you to hit left-handers.
Ho, ho…
May your city’s prized NFL free agent be Pacman Jones.
Ewww…
May Clete Thomas bat third for your baseball team in a pennant race.
Please, Great One. The envelope.
May your untalented third basemen be worshipped by thousands of fat, white girls.
Seeya.
HYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HO, HO…thank you, Rogo-nac the Tremendous! Visit us again, oh Great One!
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