Today, late in the ballgame, Adam Everett was due up in a key RBI situation for the Tigers. Since offense isn’t exactly Adam’s specialty, Jim Leyland looked to his bench for a pinch hitter.
Who did he turn to? Was it young Alex Avila, who with one swing of the bat could have potentially turned the tide for the Tigers? Was it the experienced Ramon Santiago, who while will never be confused with Barry Bonds, has put together his share of key hits over the years?
No. He turned to Don Kelly. And Kelly struck out on three pitches, the third looking on a fastball right down the middle.
Don Kelly should not be allowed anywhere near a major league baseball game again. And to help myself with my anger over today’s game, I’ve put together this list of 25 reasons why I hate Don Kelly. Enjoy.
1. Striking out on three pitches looking today.
2. He has three first names as his full name. Donald Thomas Kelly. Never, and I mean never, trust anyone with three first names.
3. Seriously, do you expect a baseball player named “Don Kelly” to ever be good at anything in sports?
4. He is already 30 years old. He’s not going to get any better.
5. The whole missing the fly ball in the Metrodome thing last year. Duh.
6. His career “Joe Morgan friendly” numbers are .222, 0, 3 in 101 plate appearances.
7. His career OPS+ is 53. An average ballplayer is 100.
8. He is not particularly good anywhere on the field. Raburn and Santiago can play anywhere, too. He is not necessary to the team.
9. He was taken in the eighth round of the 2001 draft by the Tigers. Six picks later, Kevin Youkilis was selected. Sigh.
10. Also selected after Kelly in the ’01 draft were Luke Scott, Stephen Drew, Geovany Soto, Dan Uggla, Jason Bartlett, Chris Young, Jonny Gomes, Zach Duke, Ian Kinsler, Nick Blackburn, Chad Gaudin, Nick Markakis, and Andre Ethier. Depressing.
11. Even the Pirates released Don Kelly.
12. He went to Mt. Lebanon High School. He is probably a terrorist.
13. His sister spells her name “Ashlee.” Any girl that spells her name with two e’s on the end probably has STDs, a tattoo on her lower back, and/or owns a Brandon Inge jersey.
14. His sister is a better athlete than he is. This is only acceptable if your name is Reggie Miller.
15. He is currently taking up a roster spot that could go to players that could actually contribute off the bench like Jeff Larish, Casper Wells, and Ryan Strieby. Again, Raburn or Santiago can play the utility role.
16. When he comes into the game, it usually means one of our few decent hitters like Damon or Ordonez are leaving the game.
17. He went to Point Park University, a liberal arts college in Pittsburgh. Really? And he’s a baseball player?
18. He is probably a Steelers fan. If so, he should not be allowed to breed.
19. He is not Marcus Thames.
20. He is not Timo Perez.
21. He will make $405,000 this year. Can you imagine making $400K to be terrible at your job?
22. He killed Corey Haim (this may not be true).
23. Jim Leyland loves him. That automatically means he is terrible.
24. Sometimes, he is referred to as “Donnie.” This gives me flashbacks to New Kids on the Block and makes my eyes bleed.
25. The worst offense of all: He is making me start to miss Clete Thomas.
Dump him, Mr. Dombrowski. If Don Kelly continues to take up space on my baseball team, there will be dozens of hooker deaths on your conscience. That’s the only way I know of to relieve stress. I hope you can live with that, Dave.
I hope you can live with that.
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