I am uncertain what precise role it is that Hank Steinbrenner plays in the Evil Empire that is the New York Yankees, but I'm led to believe his duties are skill-free and singular in scope—be the blowhard son of George.
Or Boss Lite, if you will.
Hank is, of course, eminently qualified to perform this function because he is, in fact, papa George's boy, and he's doing a boffo job of being Boss Lite.
Lest anyone doubt or forget that Hankus Pankus is The Boss's boy, he offered a not-so-subtle reminder that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree by opening his squawk box and letting loose with great gusts of hot air just the other day, and so much the better that there were microphones and people with pens and paper nearby.
If you missed it, Boss Lite advised an assembly of news scavengers at George M. Steinbrenner Field in Tampa that communism doesn't work. At least not in Major League Baseball, where his Bronx monolith was required to spread $130 million of its wealth to poverty cases in Kansas City, Oakland and others of their ilk last season.
"We've got to do a little something about that and I know Bud (Selig) wants to correct it in some way," Boss Lite said. "There's a way. Obviously we're very much allied with the Red Sox, Mets, Dodgers and Cubs in that area. At some point if you don't want to worry about teams in minor markets, don't put teams in minor markets or don't leave teams in minor markets. Socialism, communism—whatever you want to call it—is never the answer."
That isn't exactly a revelation, since ol' Chin Whiskers himself, Fidel Castro, said much the same thing only last year. But it did make for good copy, and that was just Boss Lite's opening salvo.
He next took direct aim at his ball club and, in particular, captain Derek Jeter without actually saying Derek Jeter.
"Sometimes they celebrated a little too much last year," he said. "Some of the players too busy building mansions and concentrating on other things and not concentrating on winning. I have no problems saying that. They've come into this spring with a new hunger," "
Hmmm. The Yankees didn't repeat as World Series champions last year because they weren't hungry. And here I thought it was because of pitching. Silly me. It was a hunger thing. Maybe that's why the world watched Cameron Diaz feed popcorn to Alex Rodriguez during the recent Super Bowl game. Because he's hungry now. And he wanted everyone, especially Boss Lite, to see that he's hungry.
Boss Lite noticed.
That's not to say Cameron Diaz will be feeding the entire Yankees starting nine popcorn, because she's A-Rod's squeeze du jour, and not since Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich swapped wives, children and family pets in the '70s has a pinstriper gone tradesies with a spouse/gal pal.
But if Derek Jeter is hungry (and I'm guessing he built up a Ruthian-sized appetite while building the Taj Majeter down there in Florida), I'm sure there exists a bevy of attractive young lasses who would happily put on an apron and putter about the kitchen (and elsewhere) in his 30,875-square-foot, seven-bedroom, nine-bathroom waterfront bachelor/party pad that makes Buckingham Palace look like a lemonade stand.
Surely this is what Boss Lite was referencing when he huffed and puffed and tried to blow Jeter's house down. He stopped short of asking why his bachelor captains needs nine biffies, but his remarks caught Jeter's attention, albeit briefly and dismissively.
"Owners can say whatever they want to say," Jeter said. "They're owners; they're entitled to their opinion. You don't always have to necessarily agree with their opinions, but they can say what they want to say. I have no problem with it. I understand most of it. The house, I didn't understand. That's a first. That's funny, I think. I'm not moving, so we won't be talking about this again."
After that, I assume the captain retreated to the Taj Majeter to decide which of his nine bathrooms to use this week.
The point of all this is that wacky Hank has put the working stiffs on notice. If the Yankees stub their toes coming out of spring training, he'll be in their ears and faces. If they win, he'll put a lid on it and retreat to the attic or wherever it is that he hibernates. Maybe. He is, after all, The Boss's boy.
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