You know the Toronto Blue Jays are having a bad season when they start shattering records for attendance, but not in the good way. This week had two of the lowest attended games in Blue Jay history as Toronto squared off against the Minnesota Twins.
The onset of the NFL season has pretty much insured that only the hardiest of Jays fans are still paying attention. Personally, I've done my best impression of a corpse just trying to find something to write about. It's like trying to get a straight answer from Elton John (he's gay).
In light of this I've taken it upon myself to come up with some ways for Toronto fans to continue enjoying Jays games. Sure the only race they're still in is to stay out of the AL East basement, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the ride.
So sit back, try to relax (maybe take a sedative), and enjoy (maybe take another sedative), as I give you several means to enjoy the ends of this season.
1) Synch up Jays games with famous albums- Have you ever tried playing "Dark Side of the Moon" for the duration of a Jays game? Me neither, but I'm sure that by the time you get to, "Time" you'll be trippin'. Am I saying that right?
If it can work for The Wizard of Oz it has to work for the Jays. What better movie descibes the Jays than that? You have the Scarecrow who needs a brain (Ricciardi), the Tin Man who needs a heart (Ricciardi), the Cowardly Lion who needs some courage (Ricciardi), the Wizard who's really just a guy behind a curtain (Ricciardi), Dorothy who just wants to go home (Jeremy Accardo who finally got called up), and Toto (Hmmm...let's say John McDonald for no reason at all).
Or you could try Meat Loaf's, "Bat Out of Hell" which has no real meaning, but may sound hilarious contrasted with a Jays game.
2) Watch the game with someone you hate- Everyone loves watching the game with a friend, so why not with an enemy? Save yourself some time in your daily hate-commute and sit down with someone you dislike and kill two birds (get it?) with one stone.
This also opens up the floor to some insult improv as well:
Jays Announcer: And Vernon Wells grounds into the double play to end the inning.
You: You know what you and Vernon Wells have in common?
Your Enemy: No, what?
You: ...you both suck.
Your Enemy: (Revered silence)
3) Play a board game during the baseball game- Risk is the game of global domination, but play it during the Jays game and it's still kinda fun. There's nothing more stress-relieving than taking Kamchatcka from your adversary while watching the Jays limp through those final innings. And if you're losing at both you can flip the board, storm out, and go have a beer or something. It's a win-win situation.
4) Booze- I'm not advocating alcoholism here, I'm just saying that sprinkling in some elixir into your Jays-watching regimen can be healthy and fun. Try coming up with your own drinking games. My favorite used to be to take a shot whenever Rance Mulliniks said, "Put a good swing on it" but I kept ending up in the drunk tank with baseball shaped bruises.
Also, you can start making Blue Jay-themed cocktails; like the Rob Roenicke, the Mojito Scutaro, and the Lyle Overbay-which is drinking a beer while using only your right hand.
5) Mute the game and pretend like you're announcing it- Sure you might look crazy, but I'm sure if you've followed any of the above steps this is right up your alley. Try using inventive phrases that are laden with profanity to keep things fresh. Even better is improvising the dialogue between the first basemen and the runner on first.
Kevin Millar: How's it going man?
Runner: You're still here?
Millar: ...I've got nowhere else to go (begins sobbing).
Still, you might want to make sure you're alone or you'll have to un-mute the game using your toes (because you're in a straight-jacket).
6) Apply competitive eating to your baseball watching- Any freak of nature can eat 60 hot dogs in five minutes, but can you do the same in a single game? Here's a perfect chance to test your gastronomic capacity under the guise of watching baseball, just like Raul Chavez. You're probably dangerously underweight from having your soul sucked out anyways.
To be on the safe side though, you might want to invest in a treadmill or forklift afterwards, and at least a bathroom scale.
7) Gambling- Betting on baseball is a deplorable hobby, but since this has been a deplorable attempt at writing, why not? Try betting (Monopoly money, of course) on pitch outcomes if you're really daring. I'm giving 3-1 odds on a Marc Rzepczynski first-pitch ball.
Gambling will have you on the edge of your seat; the knowledge that if you lose your thumbs have a good shot at being broken is an excellent motivator. Also, it may keep you out of the Hall of Fame, but what are the odds (GET IT?!?!?!)?
8) Try emulating Brian Tallet's facial hair- The tallest Jay is also the one with the sweetest dust. Tallet, whether he is sporting mutton chops or a 1970's themed 'stache, is a great role model for facial hair afficionados.
Side effects may include: Itchiness, dizzy spells, an inflated ERA, and lack of attention from the opposite sex. Females should probably just avoid this one altogether. Wait, who am I kidding? No woman is reading this anyway.
9) Write a terrible article about watching Blue Jays games- It worked for me.
I'm also open to any other suggestions so feel free to join in or skewer the above selections. I'm off to eat 60 hot dogs while listening to "Led Zeppelin IV".
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