If Your Team Don't Make The Playoffs...

Opening Day is fast approaching and this is the time all the MLB writers throw out their previews and predictions. So why not me?

In the following article, use the If...Then conditional statement and apply it to all teams if they fail to make it to the postseason.

In other words: "If the [insert team here] don't make the playoffs..."

 

American League

 

Tamba Bay Rays: ...then we'll go back to believing baseball can't thrive in Florida.

 

Boston Red Sox: ...then all is right with the world (Yankee fan in me).

 

Toronto Blue Jays: ...then Canadians will continue going on with their daily routines. It's not as if they watch the Jays anyway.

 

Baltimore Orioles: ...then more Orioles fans will convert to New York Yankee fans.

 

New York Yankees: ...then George Steinbrenner will pop a blood vessel, Hal will say something moronic, and The whole team will be scrapped and replaced with high-priced clones of Ruth, DiMaggio, Mantle, Mattingly, Berra, Hunter, Jackson.

 

Chicago White Sox: ...then President Obama will use his veto power to overrule the playoff system.

 

Minnesota Twins: ...then City Hall grants a name change: Ron Gardenfired.

 

Cleveland Indians: ...then fans start a petition to get LeBron James to become a duel-sport player.

 

Kansas City Royals: ...then the team will hire Jose Lima to be manager. At least, they'll get attention the following season.

 

Detroit Tigers: ...then the whole team joins Dontrelle Willis on that "anxiety disorder" train.

 

Los Angeles Angels: ...then that means somebody else in the West made the playoffs. That doesn't happen these days, does it?

 

Texas Rangers: ...George W. Bush hangs, "Mission Accomplished" in Ranger's scoreboard.

 

Oakland Athletics: ...then Billy Beane says "the hell with Beane Ball" and starts spending like crazy.

 

Seattle Mariners: ...then Nintendo releases 2010's starting lineup featuring Mario, Yoshi, Bowser, and Princess Peach.

 

 

National League

 

New York Mets: ...then they have stayed consistent in letting their fans down.

 

Philadelphia Phillies: ...then Philly faithfuls go back to their booing ways.  They miss it.

 

Florida Marlins: ...then the 17 fans who support the team will look forward to next year's Calle Ocho festivities.

 

Atlanta Braves: ...then Greg Maddux will come out of retirement to join Tom Glavine for next year. John Smoltz will find his way back to Atlanta, thus giving fans visions of the 90s when the team would win all the time.

 

Washington Nationals: ...then Elijah Dukes takes out his aggression on the team's Special Assistant for Player Concerns.

 

Chicago Cubs: ...then Bob Warja will lose patience with the Loveable Losers and become a White Sox fan.

 

Milwaukee Brewers: ...then fans down their sorrows in the easily accessible alcohol.

 

Cincinnati Reds: ...then Dusty Baker says "screw the youth movement" and pushes to sign Barry Bonds.

 

Pittsburgh Pirates: ...then the Pirates will change the team name to the Steelers as a way to make people think they are winners.

 

Houston Astros: ...then Miguel Tejada supplies the entire team with "B-12" (wink) to stand a better chance of winning.

 

St. Louis Cardinals: ...then Tony La Russa reveals his new approach of letting his pitcher hit in the cleanup spot. Just to switch things up, you know.

 

San Diego Padres: ...then the team's attendance might suddenly be lower than the Marlins.

 

Colorado Rockies: ...then Troy Tulowitzki smashes more lumber and once again returns to the emergency room.

 

San Francisco Giants: ...then Barry Zito cheers himself up as he spends more nights in Paris.

 

Arizona Diamondbacks: ...then Mark Reynolds gets upset, takes a swing at manager Bob Melvin, only to miss. Surprising nobody.

 

Los Angeles Dodgers: ...then Scott Boras negotiates a record-breaking contract for Manny Ramirez to join the Australian national cricket team.