Today, I woke up and thought to myself, “It’s going to be a bad day. Worst-case scenario, I’ll be late for my midterm, spill juice over my favorite shirt, and somehow lock myself out.”
So being the clairvoyant master I am, I left for my midterm extra early, wore the ugliest t-shirt I had, and made sure to stuff my key deep into my jeans.
All was good, right?
Far from it.
Being the die-hard Cubs fan I am, I instead flunked my midterm, ran into the cute girl I’ve been trying to impress, and brought the wrong key.
Apparently I’m a better Cubs fan than a physic.
Which means I get to experience the joy of reaching the same “are-you-kidding-me-F-my-life” end through some revolutionary, state-of-the-art means.
All. The. Time.
So with baseball season approaching, I thought I’d spread that lovely, bubbly feeling to as many people as possible by looking at all 30 MLB teams and some creative ways for them to fail. Kind of like a worst-case-scenario guidebook, if you will.
I know it’s not yet Christmas, but I’m just so ecstatic about life that I can’t help it.
Here’s to the continued success of enjoying failure in as many unique ways as possible:
Atlanta Braves
Talk about a successful off-season, eh? Unless Tom Glavine nostalgically cries whenever he pitches (“Where are my BFFs Greg and Johnny?”), Bobby Cox hears Jake Peavy’s voice at night, and every Braves player switches to Rafael Furcal’s agent, the regular season won’t be as fun to experience.
Arizona Diamondbacks
I hear Mark Reynolds is afraid his historical MLB record is going to be broken, so he’s working hard to ensure that he bests it this year.
Fortunately for the Diamondbacks, Chris Young, Justin Upton, Stephen Drew, and Chris Snyder are all jealous and hungry, so they’ll be chasing that same record.
If anything, economics has taught me that competition is good for society, so I assume it’s applicable to strikeouts too.
Baltimore Orioles
Wouldn’t it be great if the Yankees, Red Sox, Blue Jays, and Rays realized that the Orioles were in their division? I have no doubt that they’d go to Bud Selig, and ask for rescheduling that’ll allow them each to play that fun Orioles team many, many more times. Just for the fun, of course.
Boston Red Sox
Tim Wakefield is such a classy pitcher. I think the rest of the Sox pitching staff has finally realized that this offseason, which means that they’re all attempting to become pure knuckleballers.
While this is fantastic news for all of Red Sox Nation, it’s especially gratifying for fans with season seats on the Green Monster. Getting souvenirs shouldn’t be a problem for them.
Chicago White Sox
Wait, did I just hear that correctly? A.J. Pierzynski punched Ozzie, and Ozzie didn’t say a single potty word? Southsiders, your team needs to shape up. Now.
Cincinnati Reds
I’m kind of confused here. I thought I didn’t have to write one for this team because they didn’t have any pitchers who could pitch anymore. Didn’t Dusty Baker take care of that?
Cleveland Indians
Don’t fear Indian fans, there will be no repeat of 2008. LeBron James can play baseball too! Wait, there’s more—he can play all nine positions at once, and he’s willing to do so as long as the semi-offensive mascot of yours is replaced by an endless supply of rosin. Get on it!
Colorado Rockies
Why are you guys watching this team instead of climbing it (credited to Pete McKeown)? It would be much more exciting, and you might be much more in shape.
Detroit Tigers
Oh, the blessing of being in the same city as the Lions.
Florida Marlins
Maybe this team will relocate to Detroit? Heck, anyplace but in Florida—the land where baseball dies. Wyoming would work too.
Houston Astros
The best steroids story in baseball isn’t A-Rod; it’s watching the evolution of Miguel Tejada as a player. I don’t know about you, but it’s almost like human evolution—just backwards. Fortunately for Astros fans, they might be getting another such visually-stimulating player in Pudge.
Kansas City Royals
If you’re a fan, the best thing you can hope for is that experts start calling you the “Arizona Cardinals” of baseball this season. Meaning? That you’ll suck for 3-4 more years before miraculously making the World Series.
Los Angeles Angels
Oh, no! Tex and K-Rod are gone! Whatever will you do? Win the West and then lose in the first round of the playoffs.
Los Angeles Dodgers
Manny puts his left leg in (you cheer). He puts his left leg out (you gasp). He puts his left leg in (you cheer), and shakes it all about (you hyperventilate). He does the “I’m gonna manipulate you Dodgers’ fans all season long,” and turns himself around. That’s what it’s all about.
Milwaukee Brewers
The fear coming out of Milwaukee is that with CC gone, Prince Fielder alone won’t be able to retain the “Heaviest Team” award for the Brew Crew. On the bright side, perhaps Fielder will be unbelievably motivated to re-“gain” the award after firing his personal trainer, that Subway Guy.
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Minnesota Twins
From the movie Little Big League:
Jim Bowers: It’s a scientific fact that a pig becomes a hog at 180 pounds.
Spencer Hamilton: What’s that make your wife?
Tucker Kain: Fat.
Oh if only the Twins were that refreshing...
New York Mets
I can’t think of anything bad that’ll happen to this team, because I actually think they’ve got it made. Hmm, I guess I said the same thing last year and the year before. Go figure.
New York Yankees
Oakland Athletics
Billy Beane sure regrets writing that book with that silly philosophy. Having young, undiscovered talent is just so overrated—especially when you can have replace them with Nomar “I can’t believe my body still holds up without steroids” Garciaparra.
Philadelphia Phillies
Didn’t Chase Utley have the same injury A-Rod is currently recovering from? Maybe he’ll turn into A-Rod soon. That’s exactly what the city of Philadelphia needs—their own A-Rod. That and a Cole Hamels with a deeper voice.
Pittsburgh Pirates
Name a player on this team. You can’t, can you? It’s kind of like that game where you have to list the 50 states—you think you can do it, but really, you can’t. It’s impossible.
San Diego Padres
If Mark Prior goes the entire year without breaking something, it’s only because he’s transferred his curse onto someone else. Like Jake Peavy (I mean, he wanted to go to the Cubs; what do you expect?).
San Francisco Giants
Bonds. Barry Bonds.
You know you want to say it.
Seattle Mariners
If Mariners’ fans are lucky, they’ll get to see Sleepless in Seattle II: Magical Reunion with Griffey.
St. Louis Cardinals
All you Cardinals’ fans, you remember this sign? You all get free copies at the first home game.
Tampa Bay Rays
OK, so not all baseball dies out in Florida. So what? The Ray still won’t win the World Series this year. Geez.
Texas Rangers
Just like with Barry, say it with me. Sosa. Sammy So...o...o...ah...choo!
Toronto Blue Jays
Maybe the US will annex Canada and the Jays will finally feel like they fit in, along with the other 29 teams struggling to survive in our marsh-pit of an economy.
Washington Nationals
President Obama gets hooked on the Nationals, which results in his abandonment of any important governmental duties. Haha, who am I kidding? Even Aaron Burr wouldn’t do that (pardon the bad history allusion/joke).
Chicago Cubs
It was only appropriate that I end with them. After hours and hours of deep, profound pondering, I’ve finally devised a brilliant scenario through which the Cubs could fail.
It’s called, “Keep Doing What You’re Doing.”
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