Oh, Mighty God of Baseball:
‘Sup? Your humble servant, Rogo, here.
I heard the calling a couple weeks ago and returned to this blog as I thought You wished me to do. I’ve been doing Your work to the best of my ability. I did not do so willingly, but did it anyway. Yet though I have behaved, I don’t understand why the beloved Tigers of Detroit look so friggin’ terrible this season. I thought we had a deal, Man. Please, God of Baseball, hear my prayer.
After the mighty tease of 2006, big things have been expected from Your loyal congregation in Detroit. Many are without jobs, many cannot stand to be around each other, but still, we have all clung to the hope that You would see fit to grant the Tigers their first World Championship since 1984. Have we not repented enough for the past sins of Randy Smith, Juan Gonzalez and Gary Sheffield? Did we smite Thee in some way?
Has the Dark Lord of Baseball, Ozzie Guillen, gained in power so much that we are to go without hope? I am hoping that this is false. So, please, God of Baseball, hear this prayer and grant upon me the following:
Please remove the dark curse that surrounds the bats of Gerald Laird and Adam Everett. Though G-Money’s grandfather covets the behinds of other men’s wives and Everett appears to be vain with his luscious hair, they are good people and do not deserve this suffering.
Although Thou hast seen to it that Jim Leyland doesn’t get lung cancer despite smoking four packs of Reds per day, could You see to it that the apparent brain cancer he has during games be delayed for another couple years?
Please see it upon Yourself to send a plague of locusts to the city of Minneapolis to descend upon the sideburns of the head of Joe Mauer. He has caused enough suffering to the people of Detroit and many other less important baseball cities. Do not be fooled by the new church they have built in Minnesota. They are all a bunch of bloody savages.
Whatever sins Dontrelle Willis committed in the lustful city of Miami years ago, please see fit to forgive him. Hasn't he suffered enough? He has been a model citizen in Detroit and deserves a year of success. If he continues to blow up, the Tiger faithful may see to it to crucify him and no one wants that. Um…right?
And finally, please remove whatever curse it is that has troubled your only son, Justin Verlander, early in the season. Let the world see the wonder that is his right arm in all of its glory. Quit messing with us here. We would be happy to sacrifice the body of Don Kelly, who no doubt sold his soul years ago to Dark Lord Guillen to remain in professional baseball despite not having any apparent skills.
I know it is only April in the D (enough of that, too, Lord), but Your followers are frightened. We offer up you this prayer:
Our Baseball Father in Heaven
Higgy be Thy name
In D-Town pin
At least 97 wins
And lead the Twins in September by eleven
I remain your humble servant. For now.
Amen.
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