Sorry, Yankees: Spinning Yesterday's Article into a Storybook Ending

The following is a journalistic response to yesterday's story, "The New York Yankees Won't Win and Here Are 26 Reasons Why."

Oh, I so wish I could turn back time. Maybe Sherman and Mr. Peabody can send me back to yesterday with their Way Back Machine so I can reverse all the damage I did to my super Yankee friends? Or does Bleacher Report have a "do-over" button, so I can right all my wrongs from yesterday's story?

I stayed up nearly half the night, distraught after slandering my pinstripe amigos.

So silly. So thoughtless. So insensitive.

See, yesterday, I filled the Bleacher Report with a virtual piece of garbage called "The New York Yankees Won't Win and Here Are 26 Reasons Why."

It has been read by about 1,700 readers to date, making it my most popular article to date.

And it was picked up by Foxsports.com, making it my favorite all-time article.

And it's already received 50 comments, most of them from supportive Red Sox fans.

But by publishing it, I upset some of my Yankee dudes. So much so, that they called my team the "Blo-sox." How could I have been so thoughtless?

So now, I'm going to play Democratic politics and allow equal time for opposing views. I am going to take back everything I said yesterday and give you "26 Reasons Why I Think the Yankees Will Win It All."

Phew! My conscience is cleared.

Just let me slip on my pinstripe jammies, and I'll sip from my Johnny Damon sippy cup.

For superior writing skills, let me take this injection that my cousin gave me. He said he got it in his native land. I doubt it does any good.

But I'm young and naive (I'm only 47, you know). Haha, I'm not even sure if I'm taking it right.

Okay, we'll call this article: "How to Spin Yesterday's Article to Produce A Story Book Ending."

1. CC Sabathia had a very strong 6-8 record in the AL at the beginning of last year. His sub-.500 start before being traded to the Brewers was simply the result of poor statistical record keeping by the AL's away score keepers.
2. Though Sabathia has pitched almost 494 innings over the past two seasons, he didn't pitch the 2,422 innings that his teammates pitched. This will leave his arm very strong.
3. Though Sabathia threw more pitches per game than any other pitcher, he would have pitched thousands more if his teammates hadn't played defense behind him.
4. Despite his buyout clause and the lie he told his good friend Ellis Burks (about not weanting to play in the Big Apple), CC will appear in an upcoming infomercial to support the "I LOVE NY" campaign.
5. Sabathia weighs nearly 700 pounds less than that fat dude from Mexico, Manuel Uribe. Though Uribe can't pitch, he once owned a card of fellow heavy Fernando Valenzuela.
6. Though Fernando Valenzuela was 60 pounds lighter than CC and had a 60-71 record in his last eight years as a pitcher, his obesity helped then-manager Tommy Lasorda discover the NutriSystem weight loss program. Maybe CC can help David Wells or Joe Torre drop a few.
7. A.J. Burnett pitches very well in the year before a contract signing, and rumor has it that several other big-leaguers will sign next year. This bodes well for the Yankees No. 2 hurler. As far as likening him to Carl Pavano: Burnett, like most Yankee fans, has not seen Pavano in nearly three years.
8. Chien-Ming Wang is now carrying a lucky rabbit's foot with him. It is reported that he now has two feet that will actually work throughout the season.
9. Andy Pettitte has been taking Vitamin E shots using a supply of left-over syringes that his friend Rocket asked him to hold onto.
10. Joba is now being allowed to pitch on consecutive days, like a big boy, and has also gotten over his fear of gnats.
11. Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy are being tutored by Yankee phenom Brian Taylor. How'd that work out for you? 
12. Mike Mussina's 20-9 record will be offset by the re-signing of Sidney Ponson. 
13. A-Rod will return in six to nine weeks, and I'm sure that Cody Ransom will keep his spot warm until he returns. Girardi will bat Ransom as clean-up so that the chemistry remains intact until the leader is back. And let me tell you, A-Rod knows chemistry.
14. I'm sure Alex will be well received by his adoring fans everywhere.
15. Though Mark Teixeira replaced Jason Giambi in the lineup, fans are excited for Tex to grow a handsome mustache if he happens to slump.
16. I assume that Shayne Spencer can be signed to replace Bobby Abreu's numbers. Spencer was once considered to be a natural when he hit 10 home runs for the Bombers.
17. I'm confident Melky and Gardner will flourish in the spotlight.
18. Though Johnny Damon, Derek Jeter, Hideki Matsui, and Jorge Posada average 36 years of age, three of the four are still very handsome.
19. Posada feels that the more he uses his injured shoulder and the older he gets, the more runners he throws out. Though this is the opposite of what normally happens, I'm sure he'll be fine.
20. Though Matsui sustained leg injuries in '07 and '08, he is confident he can still handle the DH role. After all, Orlando Cepeda did it.
21. One astute Yankee fan told me that Robinson Cano is the equal of Dustin Pedroia. They probably show off their Rookie of the Year, MVP, and World Series hardware to each other.
22. Mariano Rivera will more than likely continue to perform like a man half his age forever. If not he can always hand the ball to...oh.
23. Steinbrenner and Cashman have joined the Cindy Lauper Fan Club and just love the song "Money Changes Everything."
24. If the Yankees can't sell the new joint out, Joel Osteen will rock the place on April 25.
25. Though the Yankees haven't won this century, they sure had a hell of a run during the last one. Isn't that good enough? 
26. I have grown sort of fond of the three clowns who ruined my night with my son at the Celtics game.

So, to my son, wife, daughter, and dog, and to Tweedle Smart, Tweedle Smarter, and Tweedle Smartest, and even to my new Yankee BFFs: Let it be known that I love the Yankees and that I feel very good about their chances this year.

Thank goodness. My Yankee buddies will love me now...hope I didn't tick off my Sox pals.

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