With Saturday's 8-5 win over the Washington Nationals, the 2016 Chicago Cubs became the second-fastest major league team (since at least 1900) to reach a run differential of plus-100, per Sportsnet Stats.

The only good duds are Milk Duds—and we're all out of those.

Instead of filling our bellies with that delicious treat, we're forced to try to stomach some awful performances on the field in the first week of May, the fifth of baseball's regular season. 

Taking traditional and advanced statistics into consideration, here's a look at those who aren't buying into the idiom that April showers bring May flowers.

Free-agent starting pitcher Kyle Lohse threw for teams at UC Irvine this past Thursday, per MLB Network's Jon Heyman, and is reportedly coveted by multiple clubs following that session.

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The Boston Red Sox made a $217 million bet that David Price would be the ace they badly needed. And at first, it seemed like he would be.

New York Mets pitcher and internet folk hero Bartolo Colon added to his legend Saturday against the San Diego Padres by hitting the first home run of his 19-year Major League Baseball career.  

MLB on Twitter provided video of Colon's triumphant moment:

Veteran outfielder Drew Stubbs is reportedly heading back to the Texas Rangers after the sides reached an agreement on a major league deal Saturday.

Kansas City Royals third baseman Mike Moustakas was placed on the disabled list Saturday with a thumb injury after originally trying to play through the ailment.

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Boston Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz hit the 510th home run of his career during Friday's 3-2 loss to the New York Yankees, passing former Yankee Gary Sheffield to take sole possession of 25th place on the all-time homers list, per MLB Stat of the Day.

Washington Nationals outfielder Bryce Harper, the arguable face of the league, feels like he should be older than 23. New York Mets starting pitcher Bartolo Colon, who owns a 2.56 ERA, feels like he should be younger than 42.

Suspensions for performance-enhancing drugs feel like they should be longer than 80 games. And it seems like an eternity could pass and Nationals manager Dusty Baker will always have to answer for how he handled the 2003 Chicago Cubs.

Jacoby Ellsbury's injury woes have cropped up again as the New York Yankees star outfielder left Friday's game against the Boston Red Sox with a hip injury. 

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