As everyone knows Albert Pujols did not sign a contract extension with the Saint Louis Cardinals by the deadline that was put in place by Pujols. As a result Pujols will become a free agent after the 2011 Major League Baseball season. At the Winter Meetings, Pujols will sign the largest contract in the history of baseball, 10 years for $300 million, with the Chicago Cubs. Immediately afterwards the world will start its decline into the apocalypse.
At his press conference Pujols will sacrifice a live billy goat on stage at Wrigley Field. He will drink its blood and exclaim, "I have ended the Billy Goat Curse. There is only room for one GOAT in Chicago, and it is I Albert Pujols who is the Greatest Of All Time!" Michael Jordan will instantly take this as a slight to his Chicago GOAT status and attempt a baseball comeback with the Chicago White Sox. He goes 0-23 in Spring Training and concedes that Pujols is indeed the GOAT in Chicago and ends his comeback bid.
On Opening Day Pujols hits three home runs, two of which land on Waveland Avenue. The "W" flag is flown above Wrigley Field, and it remains there for the rest of the season.
At the All Star break the Cubs will have a perfect record, Pujols will be leading the Triple Crown race with a .666 batting average, 45 home runs, and 153 RBI. The National League will lose the All Star game because manager Charlie Manuel removed Pujols so that Ryan Howard could get into the game at first base. Unsettled by even an exhibition game loss Pujols decrees that all black cats in the state of Illinois be euthanized so that none of them can cross his path. He said the late great Ron Santo would have wanted it that way. The citizens of Illinois follow his edict since they are still scared of him after watching him butcher and devour an entire live billy goat on stage just a few months earlier.
Shortly after clinching the division (in early August), Pujols tracks down Steve Bartman from the witness protection agency location he is hiding out at on one of his off days. He has a press conference to announce that he has forgiven Bartman and that if someone has an issue with Bartman, they have an issue with him. Bartman is immediately given a key to the city and is a regular at Cubs games again.
The Cubs finish the season 162-0. Pujols breaks every major single season hitting record in the history of baseball. He then informs Ernie Banks that he will be now known as Mr. Cub, and that Banks needs to find a new nickname. Banks dies less then a week later from a broken heart. Pujols delivers the eulogy at Banks funeral and lets everyone know that Banks was the second greatest Cub of all time after himself.
The Cubs sweep the Marlins in the Division Series. Afterwards Pujols tells everyone, "I took my talents to South Beach, and it will never be the same." The Miami Heat immediately trade LeBron James to open up a spot on the roster for their new starting small forward, Albert Pujols.
In the NLCS the Cubs sweep the Phillies despite Pujols being intentionally walked in every at bat of the series. Charlie Manuel defended the move by saying he knew Pujols wanted revenge from the All Star game and feared he would hit a home run in every at bat. Even more amazingly the Phillies lose every game despite Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee both throwing no-hitters in the first two games of the series.
The Cubs then go on to embarrass the Red Sox in the World Series. Pujols not only wins the World Series MVP, but also becomes the first player to hit a ball through the Green Monster.
The Cubs had gone 104 straight years without winning the World Series. Not a single Cubs fan was alive the last time they won it all. The streak had reached such a depressing level that even Cleveland sports fans felt sorry for Cubs fans. Little did we all know that the Cubs were not meant to win another World Series and that by doing so they triggered the end of the world.
Natural disasters started to occur at an alarming rate. Volcanic eruptions, earthquakes, and hurricanes became commonplace. A quarter of the world's population was wiped out by the time the Cubs held their victory parade. Archaeologists soon discovered that the Mayan prediction that the world would end on 12/21/2012 had some validity after the words "Pujols" and "Cubs" were decoded on a newly discovered artifact.
On the fateful day of 12/21/2012 an asteroid the size of Alaska hit the earth. Everything was destroyed with the exception of cockroaches, Twinkies, and Albert Pujols. Cardinals fans would now get their wish. Albert Pujols would have to go screw himself for the rest of eternity.
DISCLAIMER: This article does not endorse the sacrificing of live billy goats, the euthanization of black cats, and I hope Mr. Cub Ernie Banks lives to be older then Methuselah.
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