Humor

How many top ten singles did Natalie Imbruglia produce? How many movies has Brett Favre scored a cameo in? How many songs by The Fugees can you sing by heart? If you haven't found the commonality in these questions just yet, this might make it a bit easier for you: how many pitches does Matt Thornton have?

Just in case you don't follow me on Twitter (@FrostyAustin), which I do not blame you, considering you are already reading this—following me on a social network may drive you to insanity 140 characters at a time—you missed out on this tweet brigade inspired by Sean Marshall's 7th inning heroics last night.

Going to a game at Wrigley Field in Chicago is an experience that every passionate baseball fan should aspire to at least once in their lives. The baseball game itself is in many instances secondary to what's going on throughout the ballpark.

While the beloved Chicago Cubs haven't won a World Series championship since 1908, it doesn't deter fans from making the trek to Wrigley Field and participating in the overall experience.

I have made a decision: The 2011 major league baseball season began on April 8th.

I don't need to hear you tell me that I'm crazy, or stupid, or ugly, or a pervert; the voices in my head tell me that all the time (especially Paul; he's such a jerk!) This is not about logic, this is about survival. And we all know that the most important thing any organism can do, after eating deep-dish pizza, of course, is to survive. Don't argue with me, I didn't make the rules.

Just when local sportswriters were trying to come up with some new headlines for the Red Sox losing streak, the team came up with a win, negating hours of hard work by writers across the nation.

Pessimistic Sox-haters will say it’s only one game. They may go into another tailspin and the following headlines remain fitting and proper with a horrendous start.

Some of the headlines considered by hard-working sportswriters and editors include:

Okay, now you can boo him.

And throw some dirt on the Rays season while you’re at it.

Manny Ramirez was one step ahead of the law Friday when he abruptly quit retired from baseball, which appeared ready to slap him with a second suspension. This slap was for 100 games, after he again violated the sport’s drug policy.

Manny, 38, bailed.

Mad Magazine should feature Manny Ramirez on their covers. He’s one of the original Boston Red Sox Idiots. And, now we have confirmation he is crazy as a Looney Toon.

Imagine having been banned once for 50 games for using a forbidden substance, and then to use the proverbial putative something again.

Imagine being so stupid that you are caught once more with hormones, steroids or the creeping crud inside you.

Actually it’s a big goose egg.

Ooohh noooo, and six, but no eggroll goes with it for the Boston Red Sox.

Not since the Stock Market Crash of 1929 has prosperity disappeared so quickly in Red Sox Nation.

Variety announced its famous headline regarding Wall Street, way back when, and you can look it up, as Yogi Berra might say.

I have realized that there was really only one reason why I watched The Celebrity Apprentice—and that was to see the delightfully oblivious Jose Canseco in action. That is, until he quit the show last Sunday.

I had forgotten just how incredible he was on other reality shows. He provides constant entertainment without any realization that people are laughing AT him, not with him. It hit me last night that the man badly needs his own show; he was made for reality television.

As a Chicago Cubs fan, there isn't much to be hopeful for after watching the North Siders drop their season opener, their home opener, and their opening series of the season all to the lowly Pittsburgh Pirates.