Humor

SATIRE— Take pity on Mets General Manager Sandy Alderson. He has to rebuild a team that is saddled with a core of high salary players who are low on talent and lower still on productivity.  

To make matters worse, the team’s fans have been promised much on-the-field greatness in recent years, but have received little in terms of success.   As a result, Mets followers are losing their patience and have begun turning to other activities, such as Yankee baseball and alternate side of the street parking.

I’ll be honest. I don’t watch postseason trades. I find them as futile as foreplay after forty or light beer chasers. But when I read that the phenomenal uniform philler-outer, Jayson Werth, had been signed by a division rival, I burned my bra in defiance.

Then I just had to buy a new one. That’s when I made an important discovery:

Not everything expands when it’s cold.

In this era of disclaimers, stipulations, and legal litigation, let me make one thing vividly clear:

There's something strangely fitting that former Tribe starter Bartolo Colon is rumored to be a potential free-agent target for the Indians during the 2010-2011 hot stove season. 

No, I'm not talking about Colon now "fitting" into his old Tribe jersey now that he's allegedly lost 50 pounds, I'm talking about how he could fit on this team as a relevant starter.  Seriously, I know you all are chuckling.

Bernie Madoff came to town

Made off with our money

Stuck our money in his hat

And called it… pasta, some kind of pasta

That’s what these guys do.  When they stick things in their hat, proverbial or otherwise, they always call it by a pasta name.

Saying he was “extremely insulted,” New York Yankees captain Derek Jeter turned down a 10-year, $200 million offer from himself on Friday.

Jeter, who awarded himself a Gold Glove earlier this month, told the Associated Press that “the offer just doesn’t take into account all I’m worth to myself.” 

I was watching The Daily Show the other night when Jon Stewart said something that reminded me of some old fake headlines I wrote in 2003.

Stuff like (some are dated but still funny if you know the reference),

"New York Mets Win World Series: Cite Snow in Hell"

"President Bush Renames Three Stooges: Axis of Brilliancy."   

"Up Next on FOX: Why CBS is Brainwashing You"

Whereas the Texas Rangers are set to go where no Texas Rangers team has gone before; whereas legendary Rangers' minority owner and president Nolan Ryan is a bona fide baseball man, while Dallas Cowboys owner/president/general manager/attention harlot Jerry Jones is a frustrated-but-overmatched head football coach; whereas, the 1-5 Cowboys still delusionally believe they are "a good team"; whereas Ron Washington, grammatically-challenged and homele

I love me some Timmy Jim, but I don’t want him in my house.      

Before you start in about the fact that Tim Lincecum wouldn't want to come over to my dumb house in the first place, he would. It’s close to the ballpark, always has a full fridge, is smoker friendly (on deck) and he could relax on my sectional pregame.

So save it—he’d want to hang out...but he can’t, because he’s covered in disgusting dog hair.

It’s time for another World Series. Time to take attendance.

In the National League—San Francisco Giants? Check. Lineage of the old New York Giants—the franchise of Ott, Mathewson, Hubbell, Mays, Durocher and Irvin, then later in San Francisco: McCovey, Marichal, Cepeda, all those Alous. Here’s your pass—good luck out there.

Now to the American League.

Hey, is this someone’s idea of a joke? Who goes there? The Texas Rangers?

The Texas Rangers?

The Orioles announced today that they will not play in the 2011 MLB Season. Ownership has decided to forfeit the season in order to regroup for 2012.

Most Baltimorians were surprised by the announcement. Many thought the Orioles had folded after Cal Ripken had retired, and weren't even aware that Baltimore still had an MLB franchise!