Humor

Milwaukee Brewers fans are blessed by the opportunity to turn the radio on and hear commentary from one of major league baseball's all time great personalities, Bob Uecker.

The silver fox's play-by-play is both informative and entertaining, providing statistical analysis and insight into the spirit of America's pastime.

The Brewers also have a guy named Telly Hughes.

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Charlie Manuel shuffled the lineup again. That’s good, I like adding something new to the same old routine.

Just like me, Charlie must have a drawer he goes to when things go stale.

Hypothetically speaking.

I imagine the Phils are scraping the barrel on superstitions by now. At this point they’re probably wearing children’s panties, playing hopscotch on the way through the clubhouse, and buttering their Pop-Tarts from right to left.

Some people like dogs. Some people only like big dogs.

I don’t blame them. Big dogs are real dogs—a man’s dog. They eat a man-sized meal and take a man-sized crap. They can down a steak in one gulp and leave you a gift the size of a baseball glove when you screw up.

Boston took one hell of a dookie on the Philadelphia Phillies.

SATIRE—It was sheer pandemonium at Cooperstown today, when the self-titled warlords of the baseball world held an impromptu press conference to induct the newest (and only) member into the 2010 Hall of Fame class. 

The surprise came as a major shock to baseball fundamentalists, who are still watching last night's dazzling performance on instant replay.

Bud Selig is reportedly "very comfortable" with his decision not to award Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga with a perfect game.

Glad we could get that out of the way, Bud.

Professional sports' most aloof commissioner remains just that.  The other side of his aloofness (you know, aside from arrogance) is that he's also utterly out of touch with fans.

You remember fans, Bud?  The ones who used to follow baseball before your lockout.  The ones who used to follow baseball before they found out all of their heroes were juicing. 

Todd Wellemeyer continued his Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde routine in Pittsburgh on Saturday, giving up six runs, nine hits, and three walks in three innings of work. Actually, work might be the wrong way to phrase it...it was more a vacation.

The contrast of his home and road numbers is mind-boggling at this point.

Dr. Jekyll: 3-1, 2.94 ERA, 1.13 WHIP, .213 BAA

Mr. Hyde: 0-4, 10.62 ERA, 2.21 WHIP, .305 BAA

Mr. Hyde put on quite a show in Pittsburgh, ostentatiously strutting out his schizophrenic demeanor and homeless-man composure.

The Arizona Diamondbacks are bad.

I mean really bad. 

They are 22nd in team batting average, and dead last in team ERA (thanks in large part to the 7.51 ERA of their less-than-outstanding bullpen).

Recently, even Diamondbacks Managing Partner Ken Kendrick apologized for the squad's lack of productivity. 

Obviously, any manager would prefer the quiet guy who just goes out there, does his job and leads by example, to the Milton Bradleys of the world.

But that doesn't mean that these guys can't shake it up a little and not be so bland all the time.

Part of being an athlete is being an entertainer. It'd be nice if these guys, in addition to their prowess on the diamond, could show a little emotion too.

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He seems cuddly enough. He seems, in fact, almost sweet. All that brown soft fur.

But looks can be deceiving. First impressions are not always right.

Take the tale of Mariner fan Victor Aguilar. The 32-year-old man from a Seattle suburb had gone to a recent Mariners game. As he was walking along with his cousin and uncle they saw the Mariner Moose coming toward them.

Aguilar was excited to see the Moose. He has, in fact, a strange admiration of the Moose, which we'll delve into in a moment. But first, back to the encounter.