Humor

The World Series mercifully begins tonight and what better way to prepare than to inundate sports fans with predictions? What kind of sports writer would I be if I didn’t throw my hat into the prediction ring?

Exactly.

So let’s go ahead and compare the Yankees and Phillies position by position to find out who the better team is and, thus, who will win the World Series.

Major Advantage: Everything with the Yankees is like a movie, and this year you have Kate Hudson playing the Susan Sarandon character in Bull Durham. Whoever she “dates” at the time does well including Chris Robinson back in the '90s and now A-Rod in the postseason.  He’s hitting .438 with five HR and 12 RBI. She’s like the anti-Kardashian.  Can she “date” Obama next? 

Shane Victorino in a cheerleader skirt graced the front page of Tuesday's New York Post with the headline, "Gotham Trembles."

The paper called the Phillies "The Frillies."

The town's other publication (save the New York Times), even picked on the Philly Phanatic, shown above.

New York Daily News writer Joanna Malloy called the Phillies top mascot a “green, pig-nosed monster” in a column today that trashed all things Philadelphia.

Last year, the season ended tragically, but I found solace in my brief tenure as a Phillies fan. 

This year, I'm taking it to a new level.

The Phillies helped me through a difficult recovery period in 2008; that world-shattering shock that followed Game Seven of the ALCS left me grieving, but the Philadelphia Phillies took this scarred and bitter fan and gave her a new reason to cheer. For that I owe them thanks.

Those living in New York City, Jay-Z fans, or just music lovers in general will no doubt be familiar with my title, kind of.

"I can't push this enough," Mark McGwire said addressing his Cardinals' players.  "Steroids help you hit."

McGwire, former Home Run King, will return to the St. Louis Cardinals as their new hitting coach, and he has a simple slogan: "Get Big...Illegally"

McGwire proceeded to pull a Mike Singletary during his meeting and pull down his pants revealing his testicles had disappeared. 

"Would you rather have big balls or hit the balls big?" McGwire asked.

The Cardinals players seemed to take to the slogan and clearly so did management. 

No, the Cleveland Indians' team is not in the 2009 World Series. But two individual former Indians are. They're C.C. Sabathia and Cliff Lee.

Such are the trials of low budget outfits like the Indians. They can't pay enough keep their best players after the team-controlled six years, and are forced to trade them, or lose them in free agency.

There are a number of trends in baseball that I'd love to see die; puka necklaces, the overuse of the phrase "going yard", and shaving cream pies come to mind. At the top of the list, however, is the goatee. Into the 1980s, the mustache dominated baseball facial hair. Amazing hair patterns graced the upper lips of players such as Rollie Fingers, Catfish Hunter, and Goose Gossage, just to name a few. Popularized by the likes of actors Burt Reynolds, Charles Bronson, and Chuck Norris, the "stache made players look heroic, if not a bit villainous.

They don’t win championships in Philadelphia. If they do, it’s a fluke—something that someone pulled over on God.

Every three decades or so, one of the teams will screw up the ecosystem and snatch a title out from under fate’s nose.

What’s happening now is a travesty. The Phillies are in the World Series for the second year in a row. What’s worse, they actually won it last year.

This is all wrong. Philadelphia is a city full of miscreants and crabapples, with a fan base so jaded and tormented that it makes John McEnroe look like Dale Carnegie.

The Los Angeles Angels had a huge night on Thursday.

First and foremost the Halos got to watch John Lackey—in potentially his last game with the club—pitch at his best and hold the Yankees in check for 6 2/3 innings.

Secondly, the club managed to pull off a huge comeback against the vaunted bullpen of the New York Yankees and force a game six in New York on Saturday night.

Lastly—and most importantly—the Angels finally found a new good luck charm.

That’s right ladies and gentlemen, the days of the Rally Monkey and Thunder Sticks has come and gone.