Humor

The Cubs cause a lot of pain. Unless you're a true Cubs fan, you have no idea. 101 years is a long time to wait for a championship.

A lot of people ask me, "Why do you invest so much into a team that produces so little?" That is a great question. I finally sat down to think of why.

Here are the reasons:

Because we play two.

Because we had Ernie, Ronny, Billy, Fergie, and Phil all on one team.

Because we experienced the magical summer of 1969.

Because we call 1969 magical even though we choked in August.

Last night, in section 534 in the upper de...errr...I mean Promenade at Citi Field, I got into an interesting debate about Mets owner Fred Wilpon.  The gentleman sitting in front of me contended that Fred "Coupon" is a cheap owner while I contend that he is not necessarily a cheapskate, just an idiot.

First of all, I just wanted to go on record saying that the whole "Coupon" nickname drives me crazy.  It was cute for a while, but now it just sounds childish and silly when I hear fans say it.  Plus, every fan that uses it acts like they invented it, but I digress.

Ready to get Bombed?
Is your idea of having fun getting drunk with your buddies and not caring what goes on in the field? We ranked all the ballparks for you to aid you in your quest.

We rated each Major League ballpark in five categories: percent of people in the city who drink (no one likes to drink alone); ballpark consumable liquid offering (beer); friendliness of the people (everybody loves new drinking buddies); and post game options / public transportation (The CHG hates Drunk Drivers).

Here are the best major league ballparks to get bombed…

In a laugher, the Philadelphia Phillies beat the Cincinnati Reds by three touchdowns last night, 22-1, led by a stunning 95-yard interception return for one of the touchdowns by cornerback Shane Victorino.

Phillies quarterback Cole Hamels threw for 275 yards and a touchdown before giving way to backup QB Scott Eyre. Kevin Kolb was unavailable.

"I was really in the zone tonight," said Hamels, who completed 17 of 20 passes with no interceptions. "The protection was amazing, and how about that catch and run by (Philadelphia Tight End) Ryan (Howard)?"

For something completely different today, I decided to watch the Toronto Blue Jays play baseball. How unlike me.

The Jays took on the New York Yankees in the Bronx, and I settled into my couch and took notes. For your reading pleasure, I have put them in chronological order. Enjoy!

Pregame

-The sky looks angry today. So does my cat.

-A.J. Burnett pitches for the Yankees and Brian Tallet goes for the Blue Jays.

On Wednesday night, the Chicago Cubs beat the Pittsburgh Pirates 4-1 behind seven strong innings from rookie Randy Wells.

Derrek Lee hit a two-run homer in the victory to win the three-game series in Pittsburgh.

But the news from the Steel City wasn't Lee going yard, or Wells dominating another team.

It was Lou Piniella getting ejected and showing emotion for the first time in what feels like a year.

In the sixth inning, on a bang-bang play that appeared to have been blown by the first-base umpire, Piniella left the dugout to argue that Wells was safe.

I have figured out the cause behind the struggles of Jeff Francoeur and Kelly Johnson.

Surprisingly, it is a very easy problem to fix.

Kelly's and Jeff's issues lie in their poor taste in music.

That's right, their walk-up music has immersed both in dreadful slumps.

Neither "Your Love" by The Outfield and "Summertime" by Kenny Chesney hardly strike fear into opposing pitchers. And, in my opinion, both fail to energize the two struggling sluggers.

How, you ask, can I attribute walk-up songs to on-the-field performance?

"Will you sign my magazine?"
"Aww, sure thing, sweetie. Who should I make it out to?"
"Well…uh…to eBay?"
"That's a popular name today!"

-From Futurama

New New York Mets Pitcher Turanga Leela meets her fans.

So my mother, in all her infinite wisdom, was having a garage sale today at our home. Besides the hours of heavy lifting and listening to old people as they asked me to read off prices of various items, a few interesting things happened.

A creepy old guy hit on my sister, a old man told us, "he was looking for that one thing," and some young kid asked me about trading cards.

"Trading cards? Yeah I got some"

Testosterone, steroids, PEDs, or performance enhancers.

Anyway you say it, it means one thing: We can’t stop talking about them—or rather we can’t stop talking about the people who abuse themselves with them.