Humor

Dear Commissioner Selig,

As you may have noticed, this Major League Baseball Season is off to a fantastic start.  Fans are attempting to go to the ballpark despite the horrific economy, the games are exciting, and coverage of the sport has never been higher. 

Yet several issues remain in the sport, and have caused several to outcry about these problems.  During the course of this letter, I will take  a look at some of these dilemmas, and will suggest ways to fix them.  Please take these with all seriousness.

The English language is one of the most difficult to learn and master, it confuses many people to their dying day. But one would think that someone would use some form of spell check on major league teams jerseys before they trot them out in front of a huge crowd everyday. This list is a tribute to the best typos in pro sports. These are not in a Top 10 format, just a list of epic fails.

Beating the Dead Horse

Have I rendered my opinion about Performance-enhancing substances to you yet?

No? Well, allow me—steroids are misunderstood. They receive too much credit for assisting athletes on the field of play. In reality, they don't make much of a difference because plenty of sucky players took them and guess what—they still sucked. 

The only thing PEDs do is make a person completely intolerable and turn them into incredible liars. Suddenly everyone is an Egyptian—standing waist deep in de-nial.

For all you fantasy baseball geeks out there (don't be insulted, I view this as a term of endearment), you could rattle off numerous things about fantasy baseball that just drive you insane. For any of you fantasy baseball newbies, I will try to ease you in to the pain that fantasy baseball can, and undoubtedly will, bring. Here are my five Murphy's Laws of Fantasy Baseball.

1. The Single-Day Pickup

The 2009 Houston Astros have the rest of the league just where they want them.

At 4-8 and in last place in the six-team NL Central, the Astros are well-prepared for their most epic second-half surge yet.

Armed with a stellar pitching rotation including future-Hall-of-Famers Brian Moehler and Russ Ortiz, Houston finally has the parts necessary to win the franchise's first-ever World Series championship.

Some people would say the Astros have the league's oldest roster.

I say the Astros have the league's most-experienced roster. 

In Honor of Bartolo Colon's game against the Tampa Bay Rays tonight, I would like to present "The All Fat All-Stars:"

C: Dioner "Fast As a Brick Wall" Navarro (5'9"and 210 pounds) and Brayan "Why Can't I be called Pudge?" Pena (5'11"and 245 pounds)

1B: Dmitri "Bigger Than Your Nose Tackle" Young (6'2" and 300 pounds) and Prince "Maybe if I Go Vegan, No One Will Notice I'm So Fat" Fielder (5'11" and 270 pounds)

2B: Ronnie "Fatty McButterpants" Belliard (5'10" and 215 pounds)

SS: This is where I need your help, any suggestions?

This just in: Yankees pitcher CC Sabathia has left the Yankees to re-join the Milwaukee Brewers!

Well, it works out for at least one side. I'm fairly sure that we all know which side that is, the Brewers.

Sabathia led Milwaukee to its first playoff berth in 26 years in 2008 before signing with the Bronx Bombers. The big lefty's performance was astonishing to see, especially living in Milwaukee. It was nothing short of incredible.

Continuing in my series of "25 Ways To Know If You're a ______ Fan," this article is on the most storied franchise in baseball—the New York Yankees. Read the list, leave a comment on your thoughts, and enjoy.

So, New York, here is your list!

The Yankees will open up their home schedule with a four game series against the Cleveland Indians. The Sunday game will be the biggest game, not the home opener, not friday or Saturday, the series finale, why you ask?

Carl "American Idle" Pavano will be facing the Yankees.