Humor

With opening day just a few short weeks away, desperate fans are handing over their first-born sons to the New York Yankees in exchange for front-row seats for opening day at the new Yankee Stadium.

"I mean, this is an historic event!" explained Joe Broncetti, a die-hard Yankees fan from the Bronx who arrived at the park with his 8-year-old son Tom in tow. 

"I've got two other children left and, really, it's one less mouth to feed," he added, rustling the hair of the boy.

Bob Uecker makes me wish I had been able to listen to Brewers games since 1971 from the same booth in which he broadcast from.

Milwaukee fans know what I mean.

The rest of us are lucky just to catch snippets of him.

From his TV shows, movies, and commercials, the man has entertained Americans for decades.

And say what you want to about his playing career, the man owns a World Series ring. He may try to say he didn't earn it, but it is obvious he did.

I've spent my time pondering what things make me happy that I'm a Cubs fan. This year I've come up with 10, actually maybe 12 things if you split two of them up, that make me happy to be a "Waveland Warrior" this season.

10. CC Sabathia is in New York and not Milwaukee

Reason this makes me happy: That's four to six wins against the Brew Crew this season. Sabathia ate us up like he does so many hot dogs every year. Let us all rejoice that Milwaukee wasn't willing to pay him by the pound, like the Yankees were willing to.

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Today, I woke up and thought to myself, “It’s going to be a bad day. Worst-case scenario, I’ll be late for my midterm, spill juice over my favorite shirt, and somehow lock myself out.”

So being the clairvoyant master I am, I left for my midterm extra early, wore the ugliest t-shirt I had, and made sure to stuff my key deep into my jeans. 

All was good, right?

Far from it.

Standing at 6 feet 7 inches, 290+ pounds, hurling a horse-hide sphere at 96 miles an hour straight at you, it's safe to say, you're not safe when C.C. Sabathia's on the mound. But for how much longer will Sabathia be able to maintain this level of pitching?

An offseason acquisition brought him to New York, where good players go to die.

So the 28 and overweight Sabathia was a perfect candidate to play in NY: a pitcher who's had mediocre-to-terrible statistics against the division he recently joined.   

Manny: "Ah mi Dios. Otro día en escuela", (Oh my God. It is another day at school) said nine year old Manuel-ito Ramirez from his squalid little tenement in the Washington Heights section of the Bronx.

Manny thinks: Oye tiene cuidado mi ventana. Estoy en las sombras del Estadio Yanqui... (Hey look out my window. I'm in the shadows of Yankee Stadium...)

Manny: "No quiero ir a la escuela hoy." (I don't want to go to school today)

Narrator: Excuse me Manuel-ito. This is Bleacher Report. Please habla in English.

I saw this story a while ago, but I decided I would make mention of it here.

It seems that the Lowell Spinners, a short-season single A minor league affiliate of the Boston Red Sox, have a program in place which is trying to eliminate teams called the Yankees from little league baseball in New England. According to this story, they've so far removed over 100 teams called the Yankees from area little leagues and replaced them with teams called the Spinners.

I have a great idea that will never be implemented...ever. I want MLB closers to have professional wrestling entrances when they are called into the game. 

Imagine the fan fare as Enter Sandman blares through the new Yanks stadium and Mariano Rivera steps through a cloud of smoke.  Fireworks erupting around him and batters trembling. 

Furthermore, I want the closer's entrance to be secret. I want him to be warmed up in a private bullpen.  Then, as the middle reliever walks a batter, music fills the ballpark.

Now that Spring Training has begun, the start of the 2009 MLB season can't be far away. So what better time to take a look at the popular ballpark foods we love to consume, and the baseball people we can associate them with.

So, the following is a humerous look at baseball players (and other baseball people) who remind us of these foods. I hope you enjoy it!